To the good man, the one I wish I'd known better.

Sometimes, the things that we least expect to happen, actually do happen to us. I lost one of my cousins within this past week. His death was very unexpected. I am sad to say that he chose to take his own life. I wish he hadn't, but I have to accept his choice.

I wish I could say that I knew him well. I wish that we had been closer, but we weren't. I know the kind of pain it would be causing me right now, but I would rather have that pain. Unfortunately, I only have vague memories of him, a select few memories from my childhood. I am especially grateful to have those memories, as I could easily have none. What I remember is a road trip we took, once upon a time. I don't remember when or where, but I remember it happened. I also remember how he used to babysit for me and my little sister. He was the kind of older brother that I would have wanted to have. He was a good man. I didn't make an effort to learn about the kind of person he had become and I will always regret that.

I am proud to say that the service this weekend was lovely. There were so many people that came to honor him. He was loved by many. A few people spoke about him, sharing some of the memories and experiences they'd had with him. I was amazed when my Uncle rose, to chronicle his life, among other things. I got the chance to learn about who he had become and I will be forever grateful for that. 

There was a terrible bout of storms this weekend. These storms began the night before the memorial service and raged on for several days after the service was over. He was there that day, listening to the service, comforting us all, as each of us realized we had to let him go. While I am not particularly spiritual or religious, I truly believe he was there. I could feel it somehow. It is tough to explain, but it's what I felt. Those storms were his doing. It was one of the things I learned about him this weekend, that he loved storms and all that came with them. He could not have picked a better way to communicate with us all. He will be forever linked to storms in my mind.

I met his little girl, Morgan, this weekend. She truly is the spitting image of my cousin. She is beautiful, smart, and definitely from my father's side of the family. I would explain what this means, but it would take too long. It pains me to know that she will never get to know her father firsthand. But I have hope that she will get to know the rest of our family and the kind of person he was.

With everything that happened this weekend, I am most grateful for the time that I spent with my family. Honestly, I wish, with every fiber of my being, that we'd had a happier reason to get together. I mean, there were family members that I had not seen in over ten years. It's sad, because there really isn't a single, good reason for why we all stayed apart for so long. Before everyone went their separate ways this weekend, back to our daily routines, we all vowed to gather once a year, at the beach, in honor of my cousin. I sincerely hope that we can make that happen.

You were loved by so many, dear cousin. I promise to remember the good things, not the bad.